Updates -

Everytime I come back to this space and read my posts, I tell myself to update it because I really miss documenting my life! I miss looking at photos and reading exactly what I have felt at that moment.

So much as happened in the past 2-3 years... some milestones/events (might update with photos when I have the time):

December 2019 - Experienced my first snow in Hokkaido!
January 2020 - commenced my RAD Ballet journey at the age of 30. Have completed my Interfound and Intermediate exams, and have just started on the Advanced Foundation syllabus.
5th June 2021 - my 31st birthday and also my engagement to Windy. It was during the circuit breaker "2 pax rule" so it happened right at my doorstep!
July 2021 - begun my Artistic Swimming journey as a hobby. Still struggling with it, sadly.
October 2022 - went to Turkiye and Egypt with the #jRockers. Our 1st trip together as a clique despite knowing each other since 2017, and also my 1st trip since Hokkaido!
4th January 2023 - took on a 2nd job as a Pilates instructor! Am Mat-certified, and am currently working my way to be certified for all apparatus.
12th February 2023 - got married, at The Summerhouse, finally! After 9 years.
9th April 2023 - Walked on my first red carpet, for Mediacorp's Star Awards. Was nominated for "Most Popular Rising Stars"!

Thank you :)

Yesterday night at around 8pm, my grandmother was finally found after 50 hours.

I would like to extend a huge THANK YOU to every single soul who have helped in the search of my grandmother, be it by sharing my FB post, reposting my IG stories and IG photo, word-of-mouth, keeping her and my family in prayers, keeping a lookout or even actively and physically searching for her even though she is in no way related to you. I am honestly very touched by the actions :')

We were only told of her absence ~16 hours after she left her house to get dinner. By then, it was almost impossible to know where had headed to. We searched all over Jurong East, Clementi (someone said he spotted someone like her there) and Bukit Batok but to no avail.
She was eventually found at Bangkit's 7-11, where she walked all the way to, from Jurong East. She did not bring her EZ-link card out so you can imagine how much she has walked.

I wasn't expecting responses from so many strangers who had so much heart to help.
So glad to know that humanity still exists in the world.

Over the course of 2 days, my grandmother lost her bag/purse (with her money and keys) as well as her sandals, suffered some bruises on her arms/back but because of her dementia, she does not recall a single thing (she insisted she has gone home every night) so we have no idea what happened along the way and we will probably never know.
Other than that, she is well and behaving as usual and we are very very thankful :)

Goodbye 2016; Hello 2017

This 2016, I gained some and I lost some.

Still thankful for the opportunities given to me, career wise and outside of it, that have made me a better and stronger person every single day. I've learnt plenty that have humbled and inspired me.

I managed to (kind of) fulfill my 2016 resolutions which will still be worked on continuously.

I learnt to know that some friendships just don't work out the way we want it, and some people just drift apart no matter how much you want them to be beside you.

Time is passing by too fast again I don't know of I'm fearing for my next phase of life that I'm not prepared for.


Happy New Year, Happy 2017 everyone. Here's to many better years ahead!

Team

A team needs to comprise of like-minded members working towards a common goal, with the same level of commitment, interest and drive.

Half-heartedness really cannot exist here.

Press on!

I'm probably at the busiest period of my life right now, with rehearsals and trainings almost every day on top of events, work and personal life.

So so tired.... but still very thankful for all the opportunities :)

Defense mechanism

Have you ever wished you weren't so close to someone for fear that once he/she passes one day you would become an emotional wreckage?

I distant myself from my loved ones sometimes, worrying that once they disappear from the face of earth I would not be able to live w/o the fact that they are no longer there for me to depend on. The image of them in the casket... and then being cremated... someone who was once part of your everything has suddenly left a void in your life.

Time heals, but it doesn't really make you forget the memories you've shared with that person. And no one else would be able to understand how you feel.

My great-grandfather of 91 years old passed away last week (he was born the same year and month as our late Mr LKY). I wasn't close to him, but I cried mostly because of the sight of everyone else.
It ached me to see his children (which includes my grandmother, his eldest daughter), who were already in their 60s and 70s to wail at the loss of their only father. It was really heart wrenching to see your closed ones in such a state but all they can hear is "He is in good hands now".


Why must there be life and death?
Maybe I'm a selfish person. Or just immature. I don't like the idea of people leaving. So I choose to stay away first.

Discouraged.

On some days, I don't feel like I'm made for dancing at all.
And on these days, I don't feel inspired by the people around. I feel discouraged instead.

Tonight is one of those days.

Patience

How long does it take before one's patience runs thin...?

As ironic as it sounds, I think the action of waiting is one of the most tiring things to do - especially when no one has any idea when the end will come.

So am I wrong for feeling upset?

"You"

The usage of the word you sometimes carries such a heavy weight during an argument: You were not being understanding; you were the one who started it; you weren't being patient enough; you need to be less insecure. But is it really? Do you really have the power to start everything if I was also understanding enough of your situation; if I didn't allow an argument to arise by clarifying certain things earlier; if I have also done what I could to assure things will be okay in the end?

Many a times we blame the other party for the cause of a fight while overlooking what we might have actually indirectly done (or not done) to spark things off, but really, everything works 2 ways. When I start pointing fingers at you for starting everything, it's simply pushing all responsibilities away from myself. But take a step back and think - could a fight have started in the absence of me?

How does a reaction occur without an action?

On accepting compliments

I tend to have a hard time accepting compliments, mainly because I don't agree with them most of the time. I'm not someone who tries to be humble for the sake of being humble; I do admit it if I really feel it's true. I just don't think that I am good enough to deserve such compliments sometimes.

When people tell me I take nice photos, I attribute it to the wonderful filters, to good lighting, to editing skills.
When people compliment me on my looks, I thank them but I've never once thought I was pretty/gorgeous. My standard replies would be "NOOOOO I am not!" / "I don't think so because I have friends who are so much prettier!" It's mostly due to such comparisons to my very pretty friends, or to people whom I don't even know personally, that I always don't feel 'pretty enough' to be praised. And in fact (some of you should already know), I feel very inferior about my looks most of the time.
When people think my drawings (those I've posted on IG) are awesome, I tell them I need to refer to samples before I can draw because my imagination sucks like that, and I have lots of room to improve because again, I know friends who can draw so much better than me.
When people tell me: "You dance really well! / I love your singing voice!/ Omg you're damn talented!", I usually don't know what to say in response. Mostly I'd thank them but beg to differ. I think I'm someone who is a jack of all trades but master of none, which is pretty sad sometimes. I'd rather be reallllyyyyy good at just 1 thing instead of being fairly okay in 4-5 but not able to excel in any of those.

When I give such responses, friends tell me I shouldn't be so humble / I should just accept the fact that those compliments are true / I should not be so negative about myself / I should stop having such low confidence in myself / etc etc etc.
BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW. Seems like all these 'negativity' is inbuilt in me and I can never ever see myself in a more positive light that others can. I am also such a perfectionist to the extent that my friends can't stand me sometimes.

That said, it's not that I don't feel happy receiving compliments. In fact, I love hearing them! They motivate me in one way or another, especially to push myself to greater heights which I'm thankful for :)



(Anyway. Just wanna say that I wasn't trying to show off/brag IN ANY WAY in this post... felt the need to type these down suddenly!)

Our minds are our worst enemies.

I love this maxi so much I was willing to buy another piece of it because the previous one got lost in the mail. I ended up getting a grey version of it too.

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“ I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I.
—SYLVIA PLATH

We can never feel good about ourselves, can we? It's always about competing with others about our looks, our popularity, our success, our talents and what-nots. The competition never ends, and social media only perpetuates this even more. This ends up making everyone feel terrible and inferior just because our friends or some stranger seem to be better than us in every other way. So we end up changing ourselves or doing things that we usually don't, just to gain the likes of others. But what do we really achieve eventually? Are we really happy after doing all these? Or do we continue to crave for even more, because we can never seem to be satisfied with what we already have? I don't deny that I've never felt really upset when I can't seem to please others or get them to like me, and sometimes I feel stupid being this way because I'm only making myself feel worse with these negative and irrational thoughts. Our minds are our worst enemies, they say. All I need to do is stop comparing myself to others and I will be happy with the life I am living.
But it's always easier said than done, isn't it?